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Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It irritates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve heard that therapy might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on being rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of irritation and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.